“Learning is finding out what you already know. Doing is demonstrating that you know it. Teaching is reminding others that they know just as well as you. You are all learners, doers and teachers.” Richard Bach
Infamous philosopher, scientist, metaphysician and artist Walter Russell said that there are three undeniable truths that pervade life: ‘oneness or unity, the many and relationship’. It is through relationship that we come to know who we are, the meaning of life and our function in this world. Relationship has various meanings depending on our perception. Like a looking glass, we see ourselves through the eyes of others or the objects in the environment. Our relationship with our home, for example, displays our taste, likes, values and aspects of our psyche. Humans can maintain relationships with their cars, other human beings, animals, and more importantly, with themselves. This latter factor is significant and little explored when it comes to the teaching of our children. Whether a parent, classroom teacher, aerobics instructor or therapist, teachers have a profound impact on the lives of the individuals with whom they relate. Yet, how many of us understand the significance and impact of relationship to self and how it affects those that come to us to relate, learn or study?
I would like to outline in this article fourteen basic functions of relationship to self that are important in the parent-child, student-teacher relationship. These include self-reflection (consciousness, self-awareness), beliefs-attitudes, listening, observation, self-growth, modeling, intentionality, reciprocity, projection, self-knowledge, influence, self-control, responsibility and self-discipline. Although there is no definitive order to these objectives, each must form an integrated interrelationship and whole with the others for healthy mind-body-spirit-emotion connection. The process is life long and requires a long-term commitment from the participant. These skills are absent from school curriculums and parent models because we have generations of children, now adults, who have been directed and guided into conformity, complacency and compliance. These skills require just the opposite response.
Before we can alter or delineate any action, thought or feeling, we must first recognize that we possess it, become aware of its existence through self-reflection. Self-reflection is the ability to witness our actions, feelings, thoughts, spirit and motivations with the intent of understanding who we are, why we do what we do and how we can become a better human being. We generally respond to events through the programming we received from various individuals in our lives- parents, relatives, friends, etc. Self-reflection is important for parents and teachers because it enables us to understand why we respond to our students the way we do. Not necessarily because they are doing something bad but rather because it conflicts with the information we acquired as appropriate behavior. A child, for example, who has spent a great deal of time in ‘time-out’ or in a corner will respond to life by creating corners, backing themselves into situations, and coming out fighting because that is their particular programming from childhood.What is it inside of us that propels us react to some students, respond to others and repel the actions of a few? What programming in us is hardwired to dislike certain people, children, parents, or individuals whom we have never encountered and automatically feel comfortable around others?
Perhaps the best method for refining this skill is through meditation or just by silencing the mind for a few moments throughout the day. Through this process, we begin to learn about our personal ‘mind tapes’, our thought processes and the issues, habits, beliefs and manners by which we operate. We are the only living beings on the planet that have the capacity for self-reflection because this higher form of mental activity is found in the forebrain. Yet, our lives have become so saturated with the need to ‘act’ that we seldom take the time to ‘reflect’. The mind is wired to assimilate information as it is being processed much like our computers. There is a pause while the computer searches for a file, a software program or downloads information from the internet. The greater pause comes from having it lay silent in blank screen while we carry out other activities. Sleep is a basic mechanism for rest, ‘unconscious’ activity, while meditation is conscious. It is this conscious reflection that provides the stimulus for permanent change. Often the only moments for self-reflection come prior to sleep or upon awakening. The brain must have moments for assimilation and reflection if it is to continue to respond to the demanding needs of our lives.
Another method for self-reflection is through the interplay, conversation and reflection of teacher to counselor, friend or family. Often others can see us better than we can witness ourselves. Some people call this ‘spring boarding’ where ideas, thoughts and feelings are bounced from a person who has no vested interest in the outcome. These individuals act as mirrors to our own minds allowing us to witness an aspect of ourselves that we cannot observe. There is caution in this method of inquiry as everyone has opinions, attitudes and beliefs that often taint their ‘objective’ comments. The most productive and expedient method is by perfecting the methodology of finding the answers and solutions internally.
Perhaps the best initiation to self-reflection is through observation. The process of observation enables us to stand ‘outside of’ ourselves and observe the world and events devoid of emotion, thought or opinion. Observation is a prerequisite to self-control and listening skills. If we want to alter some bad habit like smoking, it takes a conscious effort to observe when we crave, why we crave and be mindful of reaching for something else (like gum). It takes approximately twenty-eight –to thirty days to break and old habititude (an attitude with a habit as both go hand in hand). One must consciously be vigilant in this process and self-observation is the preferred skill to acquire (rather than a patch).
In the classroom or with students, this transforms itself into a remarkable talent. It is as if every action and event is visible from the ceiling or the top of a mountain. The observer devoid of the cumbersome veil of emotion, ego and opinion can clearly visualize every person and event from a unique point of reference. Visibility is clear when these functions are set aside. If children are arguing and squabbling in the classroom, the observer takes the time to hear all sides of the story, interviews witnesses and assimilates the circumstances before forming an opinion or response. Most likely, the trained observer will ‘enable’ children to mediate confrontation and disagreement themselves, teaching them a valuable tool as well. Obviously this is not a technique utilized in emergencies however, with extended practice, it becomes so entrenched as a mode of response that the time between reflection and response is instant. This skill is important because the more objectivity a teacher acquires to artfully manage a classroom, the more sefl-responsibility the students develop for future use.
The use of observation sets the stage for self-control. The ability to control reactions to appropriate proportions and timing is a life long process. The native American shaman Rolling Thunder once said to me, ‘when you find yourself becoming angry, frustrated or enraged, wait three days and see if the situation or circumstance still holds the same electrical charge after that time’. Guess what occurs after three days of observation? The emotional behavior discharges, calm prevails and clarity of thought produces an appropriate response. RT did not know about neuroscience however, his words are understood today in light of the research on the brain as a true and proper response to break the old pattern of responses.
Some people consider self-control a ‘cold’ process of submerging the emotions to respond through rational response. On the contrary, self-control is the management of feelings, thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and emotions. Perhaps the best technique for enhancing self-control is the Freeze Frame method developed by Doc Lew Children. In the book of the same title and HeartMath Solutions, a biofeedback method is taught to the reader to literally ‘freeze’ feelings, thoughts and responses, focus on something more positive, entrain the mind and heart to function together and elicit an appropriate response that reflects objectivity. In the classroom, this skill is utilized in classroom conflict, unmanageable students, unmotivated students or with our own children, who tend to stimulate our deepest ‘hot buttons’. Personal self-control is the mechanism that maintains classroom control.
Unfortunately, in traditional public school, private school and even homeschooled classrooms, the issue of ‘control’ pervades the notion that students most be compelled to learn, must be forced a curriculum of adult choices, and must be measured for progress. In actual fact, children and all students will learn no matter what we do. The critical element of the teacher is to determine what every student needs to learn through listening, silence and observation. AND all students do not need to learn the same things. Some children, for example, come to school knowing how to add and subtract. Why then are they compelled to mediocrity by regurgitating already known information? It is the relationship of student to teacher that defines what is known, what the soul of the child is in need of learning and what the teacher is capable of allowing the child to explore. Teachers who have long since been taught that they must ‘control’ the learning environment and subject matter have a difficult time having faith and trust in their students. It is the teacher that has faith and trust in their own abilities as tour guides that enable student to reach their full potential. The greater the self-awareness of the teacher, the greater the mastery of student potential is realized. Relationships are reciprocal.
Our attitudes and beliefs are the tools acquired from the environment in which we have been reared from our earlier days of life. By way of explanation, look at the story of the tiger. Mother tiger was hunting goats and pregnant. While in pursuit of her prey, the chase was so exhausting, she fell over and eventually died but not before giving birth to her offspring. The goats returned to examine the situation after the pursuer perished and discovered this non-threatening new life. The baby tiger was accepted into the herd. The tiger learned to act, eat and sound like a goat and, for all purposes, was a goat. Until one day, while roaming in the woods grazing, the goats were gripped with fear by the attack of a tiger. The young tiger, having no fear and sensing the kinship, did not panic. The adult tiger fell upon its prey and was shocked to discover the baby tiger smelling of grass and goat. The adult tiger shoved a piece of dead carcass in the baby tiger’s mouth at which point it was repelled and expelled. The adult tiger tried again and to the delight of the youth, it realized that this was its destiny. Our attitudes and perceptions of the world, its operations, functions and perceptions come from our personal upbringing and seem true for us. However, they are not true for all people nor may they in reality be our personal destiny.
The only thing we can teach is who we are! For the teacher-student environment, it is imperative that the teacher understands how his/her own attitudes about life, the course of events, the way the world operates, students, their families and upbringing have an impact on the teaching process. Personal attitudes are only relevant to us and only to us. Each student that enters our reality is tainted by our perceptions of who we are, who we think they are and who they really are. The circumstances and environment in the learning process are derived from this premise. It is our attitudes and beliefs that foster our intentionality.
This term is relatively new and relates to the new physics. Dr. William Tiller at Stanford University defines it as “the quality or fact of being intentional; of or pertaining to purpose, pertaining to operation of the mind. As such, it represents the quality of one’s conscious purpose, often thought of as self-directed mind. Applied intentionality means placing a desire imprint from the level of the spirit into the ‘simulator’ at the mind level which then cascades through various levels giving representative patterns at each level and materializes action at the physical distance-time level. This is, in turn, observed by the individual’s physical cognition system.” The very structure of our brains is influenced by actual experiences of the world. First, we must recognize an unwanted deficiency, then we must intend to correct it and then a structural transformation takes place.
Frankly speaking, the greatest need in educational institutions today is to train teachers the nature, function and relationship of self-to-self, a skill peculiarly absent in training programs yet in light of the new physics and other related sciences, an imperative skill to know. As William James aptly states “the greatest revolution of our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives”. The new physics demonstrates the perspective that the observer or ‘intentionality’ (the teacher) alters the outcome of the educational process (this also holds true for the student). If the teacher perceives the student as ‘bad’, ‘at-risk’, ‘special need’ or ‘problem’, the actions, manner and relationship projected by the teacher will reflect this personal point of reference. However, if the teacher refuses to accept these labels, and assumes the mindset that the child is an open system, continuously fluctuating from environmental influences, defines children by their strengths rather than their weaknesses, student behavior responds in the positive. It takes a well-spring of internal strength, knowledge and understanding to wade upstream against the tide of mass consensus, however, experiment after experiment demonstrates that mental, emotional attitudes of the teacher can literally alter the course of a child’s life. Our mental mindset produces our daily, living environment, like it or not.
There is an old adage, “the fruit does not fall far from the tree”. This is the case of modeling. A natural phenomena, modeling is the manner with which living things replicate and continue the evolution of the planet by mimicking those of the caretakers (as we saw from our baby tiger). Birds fly like birds rather than swim like fish. Children model adult behavior rather than the pet gerbil. And children model the behavior, manner, opinions, beliefs, attitudes and knowledge imparted to them by the teacher. Remember the anonymous poem of Children Learn What They Live. Whatever the response of adults in a child’s environment, the brain-mind adaptation of the child will produce modeling profoundly through the ages of birth to age twelve (although studies show that alterations in the environment can change behavior at any age when certain factors are present.) As a model, the teacher must be continuously on guard and alert to reflect appropriate modeling behavior.
This can be ensured through self-discipline. Self-discipline is a function of our species to be able to reflect on our actions, observe our behavior, and alter that behavior by constant vigilance and monitoring. The ability to recognize unwanted behaviors, beliefs and attitudes and then to act upon their transition is often quite difficult. It takes a conscious effort and commitment to be vigilant. The doctor testifies that you need more exercise and change of diet. Your job requires you to be at a specific place at a certain time. You are also attempting to organize your own children to school, take care of household responsibilities, prepare meals, shuttle children here and there. How do find the time and energy to alter the events of the day to become self-disciplined? By bringing the mechanisms of self-reflection into play, the desire to ‘run’ through the course of a day can be altered to meet personal needs and develop habitudes of self-discipline. It takes extra effort to begin thinking about yourself, getting up early to exercise, meditate and prepare a life enhancing meal. The critical factor is that self-discipline will prolong your quality of life by keeping you in the best form possible. A by-product in your efforts for self-discipline demonstrates modeling tools for the children in your life.
A lost art in American culture is the art of listening. At one time in our history, we could mill in the back yard over the fence or on our front porch and practice the art of listening. Today, most individuals are so caught up in their own ‘mind tapes’, expectations and egos that we choose to race our thoughts towards our responses rather than listen. Listening is a skill, an art form because it takes an inordinate amount of energy to focus on another human being devoid of our own thoughts and opinions. Active listening is the ability to reiterate or paraphrase what the speaker is attempting to convey to them, receiving confirmation or feedback on what we heard. Just like everything else in our world, what we hear is in direct response to our own mental mindsets. The techniques of active listening were best demonstrated in books like Teacher Effectiveness Training or Parent Effectiveness Training. Because the modeling behavior for listening has been virtually lost in our society, one must make a conscious effort to learn the process anew. The key to learning to listen is to develop the most critical component in a child’s life. The need to be heard develops and defines self-esteem and acknowledgment. Most of us, if we delve deep within our souls, do not need to have others agree but rather we need to be heard and acknowledged by someone, anyone. In our fast paced society, the need among us is even greater. The ability to develop quality listening skills exonerates the participant and the recipient simultaneously.
We are all both teachers and students at the same time. All learning, events and actions are reciprocal. The new physics again has demonstrated what the mystics and sages have said all along; we are all one. The universe is a living breathing organism and we are all connected to it. Physicist and mathematician Arthur Young calls this the Reflexive Universe. Like the properties of light, our actions, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions all have the capacity to reflect back upon us. What does this mean in a classroom setting? It means that the self-aware teachers recognizes that everyone with whom they are in contact is a part of them and hence, in some way, mirrors the properties that are both endearing and repulsive. We would all like to think that we are the most wonderful human beings on the face of the planet however, in reality, we tend to submerge our ‘dark’ side and reveal only our pleasant face to the world. We are both the yin and yang, the dark and light, the positive and negative. To negate one is to bring the other into our sphere of reality. It is the law of nature and the universe that opposing forces are what create the wheel of yin yang to keep in motion; the methodology by which change takes place. Without friction, everything would be still, bliss and silent. The agitation of the washing machine makes the clothes clean. Those that come into our lives, good or bad, are reflections of who and what we are inside. They are our mirrors for us to view ourselves. When we become angry, frustrated, happy, and joyful to others, we are giving ourselves this gift.
Whatever we are inside is projected into the world. Quantum physics has demonstrated that the human mind is like a projector. It transmits images into the world for us to observe. The images that are reflected back to us- the events, environment, people, situations, feelings, thoughts, etc.- are all our own projections from our internal machines. Our view of the world can be altered or changed instantly with conscious effort. However, we must be able to convince our ego mind that this fact is a reality. The easier source of action to place blame on others. From early childhood, our adult caretakers have convinced us that the world is as it is, cannot be changes, changes little throughout the ages and imposes its limitations on us. In reality, it is our minds that shape our world through our perceptions and belief systems about it. The brain-mind functions according to the latest neurophysics, is a complex chemical-electrical system that is programmed from inception to old age through a process directly relating to our actions. The process is dynamic (as opposed to static), open and able to change instantly depending on our intentionality. What a remarkable feature of the human organism. Yet, most individuals are so entrenched in their acquired mindset that ‘fear, fright and flight’ nullify growth and change.
Lastly, the teacher is the source of respond-ability. Responsibility is the ability to respond to any given situation with clarity, simplicity and skill. The more a teacher learns about self, transcends past experiences, and opens the doors to their own inner awareness, the more the classroom environment, student behavior and outcomes change. The teacher creates the environment of the classroom from his/her own personal perceptions, attitudes and responses. The responsibility for maintaining classroom control, for example, rests on the teacher. Control is a misperception in our culture, for the only person you can control, and in actuality the only person you can teach, is yourself. Teachers can only create environments for learning. The learner must choose to learn. This is the law of nature. However, through a teachers’ knowledge of self, excitement, love and knowledge of subject matter and heartfelt intent to learn in exchange for the teaching experience, comes the most successful classrooms.
There are many techniques to use when attempting to redesign the relationship between teacher to self. The self-help section of the bookstores are filled with titles such as Embracing Ourselves by Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Winkleman, Ph.D. There are literally thousands of books to choose in this category. Perhaps one of the best is To See Differently: Personal Growth and Being of Service Through Attitudinal Healing by Susan Trout, Ph.D. Several of Dr. Trout’s 12 principals are worth mentioning:
- the essence of our being is love
- health is inner peace; health is letting go of fear
- giving and receiving are one and the same
- we can let go of the past and the future
- now is the only time there is and each instant is for giving
- we can learn to love ourselves by learning to forgive rather than judge
- we can become love finders rather than fault finders
- we can choose to be peaceful inside no matter what happens on the outside
- we are students and teachers to each other
- we can focus on the whole of life rather than fragments
- we can always perceive others as either extending love or giving a call for help
By attempting to change ourselves, we begin to view the world through a new vision that embraces diversity, elevates the weak to new heights, values students that come to our classrooms with more resources and knowledge in various subject matter than the teacher. It is time for every teacher to have a genuinely fulfilling life experience. In the search for self there is no one way. There is only YOUR way. As Victor Frankl notes “the last of the human freedoms…to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way”.